nervous expectations

so tomorrow will be a big day for me. it is the day where i go meet with some of the staff from Trinity Ev Free to see what the possibilities are for me for working there. talk about nerve racking, no pressure or anything. and i will most likely be playing a little for their worship pastor, kinda feels like it will be "Christian Idol" or something like that, hopefully I will go on to day 2.

i do have to say i am really annoyed with the fact that i cannot tell anyone what will be happening after july. i found myself this night speaking with my youth leaders looking at them while in my head all i was saying was "i am leaving." it almost feels as though i am lying to them because i am hiding the turth from them. pastor says the announcement will be made at the end of february, so more times of avoiding and a growing, for a lack of a better word, dissintrest in the events of the youth of fbc. it is so sad because i already miss the kids and i have not left. it is hard for me to stare at them like tonight, speaking the truth of God to them, all the while knowing that in only a matter of months i will not see them anymore. man this sucks. it would be nice to have someone to walk through this with me, but God must have something different in mind obviously.

we'll let's see where we are after tomorrow.

titled beginnings

as an explanation is desired, i shall explain.

at this moment i am a shell. it is a weird feeling, no fulfillment, but yet not filled with contempt or doubt. i feel as though i am the shell that is put back on the potter's wheel. something already that is shaped, but certainly not a finished project. i am open, vulnerable, scared, and yet somehow perfectly content.

when i believe i should be filled with anxiety and hate and chaos and other feelings from a lack of understanding, i have none. i am filled with an absence, an absence of chaos. this i credit to my Alpha and Omega, my beginning and my end, the Creator who can independently command the cells of my hair follicles as well as provide direction and value to my life. so this is my praise to Him who gives faithfully and who fills us, maybe not with want we always want, but gives us the ability to be content with understanding an absence of chaos when there actually should be. Adoring thanks and praise to the God of Abraham, the God of Paul, the God of Harwood.

late night grumblings

it is 12:46, i should not be awake. it is painful for me to type, not just physically, but deep down where men do not speak of. i really think i broke my hand and hurt it more, but of course i do not think i will be able to drag myself to the doctors.

well this being the first post, i should do some explaining. this hopefully will be the physical form of the transformation that my life is taking. i am not telling you who are reading of this blog because of the timing of all of this. it is painful to leave a place under such circumstances, but yet i know that God is more in control over me than i ever could be. i will miss the people that i have come to love and believe to be true friends, parting IS such sweet sorrows. you will be in my prayers continually.

this blog will be a chance for me to voice the now adult thoughts that rush through my head. i have many cravings that i am reminded of daily, things i long for, absences i long to fill, but i am also able to be completely fulfilled and satisfied through my God and Savior. i pray that this may show both sides, the dark and evil sides that may torture me as well as the great joy that God gives my daily. let the marathon begin.