adolescent attractions

well i have officially reverted, for sometime now. the joys and pleasures of youth have taken over me. i enjoy it a lot, but at the same time, i notice how much i need to be for mature in my disciplines.

i also remember the days of no responsibility, when everything was taken care of, and as much as that would be nice, that is not what life is about. as much as i wish i would not have to leave the church, i know that this is better for me as a person and Christian as well as for the youth group and for their continued growth. i am actually looking forward to being in a new situation of expectations and responsibilities, i just wish i knew where and what that places was.

enough for today, time to go be 12 again!

to infinity and beyond

the answer was no, not to say that i was surprised. so the search continues, resumes have already been put out to many different places, so it is kinda like testing the waters, and the waters bring God's will, and God's will being my life.

wow, i like short posts, much easier and faster

forlorned reminders

i don't normally say this out loud, but i am quite tired of being alone. i have spent approximately 94% of my life as a single man/boy, a quite remarkable percentage. i have had many good years of fun, growth, as well as adventures. all these experiences are great and enjoyable, but they pass me by so easily. i live in the moment, and once it has happened, it leaves me. the ability to share a moment with someone must be so special, to re-live and draw a similarity with someone that you love must not only change your world, but change your whole realm of experiences. that is what i long for.

but what gets me are these great instances in time and space (and even sometimes in national holidays) that remind me how much i desire the other side of life. many single people might call this "black wednesday" or may have specific rituals to practically repress their present state of being. i'm not all about that, but i am not in favor of this day. i just get annoyed by the commercialization of love.

the most thing that annoys me is the constant mental state i put myself in, the state that continually in "search mode" at any and every point in my daily life. to have some certainty, to have someone to come home to, to not be annoyed by everyone else's intimate interactions. when i become annoyed, i know and understand that i shouldn't be annoyed because that is the expression of adoration, emotion, trust, aka love. i know to be annoyed by love is not the correct state for me to be in, but it still is what happens.

these words have no point, just relenting frustrations that occur in me, what happen to be, quite frequently.

needless appendages???

so what would the human race look like if we had no finger nails? would life be different? would anything change? or if our feet were actually one solid mass instead of having toes, how would we live?

you know these may not tickle your thoughts very often (or at all), but things like this cross my mind from time to time, but more-or-less get me onto the subject i want to get, you know, transition. each individual part of the body has specific reasons with specific purposes and ways of working. and if you break it down, molecularly, there are millions, billions, quadrillions of individual cells that complete and make our bodies work in unity and harmony and make our lives seem normal and let us take many daily activities to be routine and overlooked with intentional thought (natural reflex).

but (and you knew there was a but coming), think of all the smaller, less significant parts of the body that truly are not needed in maintaining the existence of the body. now not say they are absolutely meaningless and need to be thrown out, but they are not drastically needed.

my correlation is that with how the Word diagrams it. we are the "body" of Christ. so does that mean that individuals, those "cells" who make up a finger nail, a toe nail, a calloused piece of skin, or even so remote single follicle of hair where there are no other hairs (what is with that anyway), can that mean that although they have some sort of purpose and that they may be less valuable than other parts. it is intriguing to know how many Christians, let alone people, are living side by side with me, and we all can't have the best jobs (being the eye, the taste bud, the cardiac muscle, the neuron so on and so forth). some of us must be the armpit, the back of the knee, the rib bone that complete the "body."

you know what, i actually hope i am a less significant part. why you ask? because my satisfaction is not what my role is, or how meaningful it is to me, i am more concerned about what is greatest for the "body" and more importantly is that me, a eponychium (or cuticle) will not try to be the iris or an alveoli or a nerve because i was not made for that. my desire is that i will be where and who i am designed to be.

btw, no word yet.

masculine disappointment

so the doctor's visit was a surprise and, what should be, a relief. no broken bones, no chipped bones, not nothing. most likely a bone bruise with some ligament damage.

good news, but somewhere in side of me, i was regretful that my hand was not broken. what a twisted mind i have. i guess i am not manly enough since my hand is not broken. well maybe, next time i will have to try a little harder in my rageful state.

multiple conjectures

ever have the feeling like you need to add back to society? does that remain as an ongoing need for you?

i can't help but feel the need for some importance, some value to this world on a large scale. i think everyone at some point goes through this, and although a lot of people may describe my current profession as impacting, highly valued, or may be even personally meaningful, i still have yet to completely feel this. yes i do have moments of almost divine appointment to which i can see and even feel a sense of either accomplishment or satisfaction in the knowledge that i am adding back. but those normally come few and far between the moments of disappointment, discouragement, doubt, and dissatisfaction (i thought i should keep with the d's after the first two).

it can even come to the point where i can feel as though as i am using the world, that i am taking resources, energy and sapping the world with my existence. sometimes i just see others add can notice accomplishments, passions, impact that they have on others. it seems to me that their life, in a way, has more meaning.

now i am not just trying to be self-deprecating or even humble, but there are thoughts that occur in me from time to time. i know i am a man with many talents/giftings/desires and that God has blessed me with those. I am always in search for how to use all of these sides of me, but i don't believe i have completely found that scenario or even what that scenario could be yet.

but as i said, there are multiple questions. i am also in a situation where i feel there is a no-win situation. and yet i am left in the role of decision making. on one hand, many people will be disappointed and will also be in need of a tremendous amount of re-routing. the other scenario contains a lot more of hard work and a lot more fickle outcome. so along with all the other decisions running through my head, yet another one is added on to the pile.

pray.

patiently dying

so now it is the time of waiting upon God. the interviews have been done, the songs sung, the resume turned in, the references given and so the waiting begins. i do have to say that there is an atypical sense of calmness about it, which is astonishing. i expect to be like my normal self who wants to interfere and be wholly excited about a new opportunity. i feel as though that God has placed this in front of me for a reason, but at the same time, i cannot determine His will outright.

by this time next week, i will have most likely found out about the position and will determine how my next couple years will look like. such a large decision and yet still such serenity within me. see how unusual this is, especially for me.

God, be the light to my path and most of all, let me be a better witness of your mercy.

useless metacarpels

well, i'm pretty sure my hand is broken. and i also have seemed to hurt it more. it happened a number of weeks ago, but got worse this past week. so i finally splinted my hand partially to help ensure some healing will take place. i hear that it will take @ 3 weeks for healing, depending on what is actually wrong.

yes i know i should go to the doctors, and maybe i will to get a diagnosis, but it doesn't hurt unless i overuse it, so for now it is fine. a similar thing happened with my other hand on a more prominent finger, and that has turned out just fine, without medical intervention.

and besides, who wants a hand that works completely normal. i know i sure don't.