in awe of awesomeness

every time i think i have some grasp of God and the nature He has made around us, and then there days when i think that i know nothing of the God i serve.

i happened on this video, with the help of a friend's blog (thx pat), and my jaw dropped. i encourage you to watch and drop your jaw with me.

this only helps me to know that it is not just by happenstance or cosmic coincidence or some elongated self-evolution period, but there has to be a Painter to this portrait. our home, or cosmic superball we live on, has a specific place and specific purpose to our live.

amazing Yahweh, you rock!

once again. . . .

repentance is a funny thing to me. repentance in the verbiage, to be forgiven, to change a mind set, or from the Greek, changing one’s mind or heart about someone or something.

can you be in repentance more than once?

is that possible? is repentance a repeatable pursuit? i understand that we all fall infinetely short of getting to the level of God Almighty, and in the constant process of messing up, we ask our Savior for forgiveness. my question is can there be too many times? should there be a difference between repentance and forgiveness?

our mentality as humans is very easily adaptable. we conform to that which is around us, things we take value in, as well as common occurrences we partake in daily. so can we assimilate the act of repentance, the act of forgiveness into a anglo-american phrasing, where in it just becomes a routine? can we put it into a song, sing the words and forget what they actually mean as the words leave our mouths? does that scare you?

such a sacred act, such a meaningful act, such an event that it demand the most amazing payment/retribution/sacrifice of all time, and yet we can make it seem as meaningless as a glancing "hi" to someone that we will never will see again. i say no, i do not desire such a limp quote, or powerless phrase as asking for someone's blood to be on my hands.

many of those who have gone before us, sacrificed greatly for the opportunity, the privilege, the sanctity of speaking before God. they sacrificed their own animals, their valued assets, even some even desire killing their own children just to be closer to God. how much do we offer when we decide to finally talk with God since it has been a week since last time?

let this be a reminder of the awesome responsibility we have as those who commune with the Holy One daily, that as we approach His throne in thought, in words, in actions, and as we desire to change, to be completely transformed from our old tainted ways, that we understand the implications of our words to the Judge of the Universe.


"Abba, i'm sorry."

madness within the month of march

so this is officially the time of the year when nothing gets done in my life. not to say that much gets done otherwise, but at least i now have an excuse. so many of teh days will consist of watching games online and/or confirming how bad my bracket is doing (this year is especially bad, i have winthrop in the final four, WINTHROP!) so at least i am not concerned with pride or male egotism since i now expect to lose.

i always hear all these statistics as to how much revenue is lost and how many man hours are consumed by the tourney, but i really wonder in actuality how many of those stats are wrong.

you know what i just remember, an email i had to send out today. why do i remember these things late at night, away from my outlook and many hours past the point when i wanted to do something. man, what i would do for even a decent memory.

here's to winthrop.

joys of breathing

in overlooking some of my published thoughts, the over-arching theme of depression or dreariness seems to be present in the thoughts i present. this is not completely the case. so i thought i would elaborate a little bit on the positive side of my life (if there is any, j/k!!!! :P)

i am coninually in the enthralling love of God. there are some days when it is like i can almost feel the muscles of His arms around me, hearing the actual beat of His heart. His grace, His mercy, His joy gives me strength and sufficiency to live, not just to exist, but to actually LIVE. i am always remember of His goodness and yet it seems to surprise me everytime, what a great God we serve! a shocking sacrafice of love can all but consume me, to be in service of to the greatest cause in the universe, ultimate LOVE, how honored am i?

yet i also understand how lucky i am to be allowed to breathe another day. nothing i have ever done or will do will allow me or give me reason to be here inhaling fresh air. many go before me, many will go after me, but i have been given to this time and this place. how much of a calling do i need?

the blessings of God are innummerable- phyically, emotionally, socially healthy; a family not only of love and understanding, but that of encouragement and sacrafice; friends (all three of them, j/k) that care and are concerned; the ability to be financially responsible; the opportunity to be in complete service to His cause and His glory, may Jehovah Jireh be praised!

lastly, i will end with this. i am completely baffled by the newest piece of jewelry. sounds weird, huh? of course i lost my last ring, and my ever so gracious mother bought me another one (this would be the fourth). but i decided to change from the last look i was promoting, and went with a ring with inscriptions on it. when i got it in the mail, i forgot about what it said and had to look up to remember why i chose this specific ring. it is in hebrew and reads, "i am my Beloved's, and my Beloved's is mine." the honor of a supreme being, the actual Creator of the dirt i walk on and the sun i walk under would desire for me to be called His own, and yet that is not enough, that He allows me to call on Him in the same. . . . precious Yahweh. how great is our GOD!

the conceptualized groan of boredom

a.k.a. blah.

there are days where life seems to be so fake, to routined, so "everything looks and feels like plastic" but yet it is all so real. what creates this sensation? what inside us makes us believe that a day could have no value for us?

to be honest, these days seem to be growing in number lately for me. i have recently brought up the discussion of meaning/purpose with God again, mainly the fact that i do not seem to see mine. i draw my conclusions based on localized contexts of situations and relationships to see how God works through me. i do see small instances in which i know my purpose is quite evident, but the overall, all-consuming-passion, driving force, life calling is not there for me.

it is much harder to see it when the preconceived thought of calling in yourself is sliced in half. especially in my viewpoint nowadays, the daily "blah" becomes more frequent more so in the knowledge that the people i am in service to, teach to, ministering to, i will most likely not be in communication with in more than 5 months.

therefore, the blah has become rampant. i find myself being enthralled by fantasy, stories and other things that occupy my mind and draw my attention and thoughts away from current standings. though i know i am suppose to leave, that is most certain, i feel there i better way about doing it.

sometimes i feel as though that this all incessant blah creates an emotional void within me, where feelings, excitements, desires become tempered. that i have been dulled by it. i see it in myself in times where all i desire to do is cry, and can't. or when someone asks if i am excited about going back to school and my answer is "eh." i feel as though i need an emotional awakening, a defibrillating experience, a spiritual sniff of smelling salts to be alive in God again.

shameful recognitions

i find it disheartening to know that God could be speaking to me at many different points in my life through many different avenues, and the fact is that i ignore him. not only do i unconsciously ignore Him, but that sometimes i actually choose to ignore Him. whether i may be clicking on a different channel or choosing to leave the mute button on.

that' what hurts the most, to Him i owe my all, to Him that is my vision and my purpose, that i would be so self centered, so distracted, and so in-tuned with my perspective that i can't hear Him. never again Abba, let me not forget this day and this thought, that all my days would be crying out for Your words, Your vision, and Your desire.

so what is your number one? where does your attention lie? don't think hypothetically, think leterally. does your time consist of personal interests or Godly interests? that's where my pain swells, cause i know my thoughts and my actions do not line up. the word for that i was taught is "hypocrite." this is the one word i never wanted spoken about me, but yet i have done nothing about it. in fact, i have only enhanced the term concerning me.

broken.

i desire to be shattered, to be crushed and broken because of you Lord. to be like Your servant Jeremiah, "my heart is broken within me; all my bones tremble. i am like a drunken man, like a man overcome by wine, because of the Lord and His holy words" or like your servant Elihu, "for i am full of words, and the Spirit within me compels me; inside i am like bottled-up wine, like new wineskins ready to burst. i must speak and find relief; i must open my lips and reply. . . the Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life." let this be my prayer.