the conceptualized groan of boredom
a.k.a. blah.
there are days where life seems to be so fake, to routined, so "everything looks and feels like plastic" but yet it is all so real. what creates this sensation? what inside us makes us believe that a day could have no value for us?
to be honest, these days seem to be growing in number lately for me. i have recently brought up the discussion of meaning/purpose with God again, mainly the fact that i do not seem to see mine. i draw my conclusions based on localized contexts of situations and relationships to see how God works through me. i do see small instances in which i know my purpose is quite evident, but the overall, all-consuming-passion, driving force, life calling is not there for me.
it is much harder to see it when the preconceived thought of calling in yourself is sliced in half. especially in my viewpoint nowadays, the daily "blah" becomes more frequent more so in the knowledge that the people i am in service to, teach to, ministering to, i will most likely not be in communication with in more than 5 months.
therefore, the blah has become rampant. i find myself being enthralled by fantasy, stories and other things that occupy my mind and draw my attention and thoughts away from current standings. though i know i am suppose to leave, that is most certain, i feel there i better way about doing it.
sometimes i feel as though that this all incessant blah creates an emotional void within me, where feelings, excitements, desires become tempered. that i have been dulled by it. i see it in myself in times where all i desire to do is cry, and can't. or when someone asks if i am excited about going back to school and my answer is "eh." i feel as though i need an emotional awakening, a defibrillating experience, a spiritual sniff of smelling salts to be alive in God again.
there are days where life seems to be so fake, to routined, so "everything looks and feels like plastic" but yet it is all so real. what creates this sensation? what inside us makes us believe that a day could have no value for us?
to be honest, these days seem to be growing in number lately for me. i have recently brought up the discussion of meaning/purpose with God again, mainly the fact that i do not seem to see mine. i draw my conclusions based on localized contexts of situations and relationships to see how God works through me. i do see small instances in which i know my purpose is quite evident, but the overall, all-consuming-passion, driving force, life calling is not there for me.
it is much harder to see it when the preconceived thought of calling in yourself is sliced in half. especially in my viewpoint nowadays, the daily "blah" becomes more frequent more so in the knowledge that the people i am in service to, teach to, ministering to, i will most likely not be in communication with in more than 5 months.
therefore, the blah has become rampant. i find myself being enthralled by fantasy, stories and other things that occupy my mind and draw my attention and thoughts away from current standings. though i know i am suppose to leave, that is most certain, i feel there i better way about doing it.
sometimes i feel as though that this all incessant blah creates an emotional void within me, where feelings, excitements, desires become tempered. that i have been dulled by it. i see it in myself in times where all i desire to do is cry, and can't. or when someone asks if i am excited about going back to school and my answer is "eh." i feel as though i need an emotional awakening, a defibrillating experience, a spiritual sniff of smelling salts to be alive in God again.
posted by Harwood at
11:50 AM
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