shameful recognitions

i find it disheartening to know that God could be speaking to me at many different points in my life through many different avenues, and the fact is that i ignore him. not only do i unconsciously ignore Him, but that sometimes i actually choose to ignore Him. whether i may be clicking on a different channel or choosing to leave the mute button on.

that' what hurts the most, to Him i owe my all, to Him that is my vision and my purpose, that i would be so self centered, so distracted, and so in-tuned with my perspective that i can't hear Him. never again Abba, let me not forget this day and this thought, that all my days would be crying out for Your words, Your vision, and Your desire.

so what is your number one? where does your attention lie? don't think hypothetically, think leterally. does your time consist of personal interests or Godly interests? that's where my pain swells, cause i know my thoughts and my actions do not line up. the word for that i was taught is "hypocrite." this is the one word i never wanted spoken about me, but yet i have done nothing about it. in fact, i have only enhanced the term concerning me.

broken.

i desire to be shattered, to be crushed and broken because of you Lord. to be like Your servant Jeremiah, "my heart is broken within me; all my bones tremble. i am like a drunken man, like a man overcome by wine, because of the Lord and His holy words" or like your servant Elihu, "for i am full of words, and the Spirit within me compels me; inside i am like bottled-up wine, like new wineskins ready to burst. i must speak and find relief; i must open my lips and reply. . . the Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life." let this be my prayer.