realized fears

today was the day when realization sunk in.

today i found out when my last day will be. up till this point, it has always been a hypothetical, "yeah, this is going to happen, but that is far off in the future" and it never really sunk in. having to announce to the group tonight that the new person will be here next week to visit, and then having to answer questions i did not have answers to, rips me apart.

it is amazing how much control i do not have over my life, and this situation makes all of that so much more apparent. i live in a structured environment and am given many gifts in order to sustain my existence. the ability to eat when i want to, the ability to purchase items at my own convenience, the ability to have a place to call home, the occurrence of having people care for you so much that they go out of their way to ask if i need anything. like i always say, you don't know what you have until you don't have it.

well as much as i want to (and occasionally do) worry and try to figure out what my near future holds, all i can say is God is in control and that He will always prove Himself faithful.

"i'm finding myself, in a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's ok. the last thing i need, is to be heard, but to hear, what You would say. . . .
Word of God speak, would you pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see Your majesty. To be still and know, that Your in THIS place, please let me stay and rest, in Your holiness."
- lyrics from "Word of God Speak" by MercyMe