it's been awhile. . .

so it's been a while since i wrote in this monstrosity of new age information-overload. so i figure it is bout time to doodle something down.

things i have been thinking about now have been the whole idea of regret and living in the past. it seems very easy for us as humans to become attached to "the way things used to be" with traditions, memories, or even just wishing upon actions that may have changed our future that we know of now.

so why do we long so much for the perfected-ness of our past?

do we not remember everything else that came along with those good memories? the consequences? the pains that we were living through at that time? it seems we purify our memories so that we single out the good-to-great dreams, memories, or ideas that we had in our younger years.

it is rampant in our country, it even over comes our artists of today who sing about how they look back upon their life and desire to fix, change or otherwise perfect their mistakes. take for instance these two sets of lyrics:

"Looking back over my deeds
I can see signs a wise man heeds
And if I just had the chance
I'd never make that same mistake again

Once my cup was overflowing
But I gave nothing in return
Now I can't begin to tell you
What a lesson I have learned

Looking back over the slate
I can see love turned to hate
But I know, oh yes I know
I'd never make that same mistake again"

----------------------------------------

"Sensation washes over me
I can't describe it
Pain I felt so long ago
I don't remember
Tear a hole so I can see
My devastation
Feelings from so long ago
I don't remember

Holding on, to let them know
What's given to me, givin to me
To hide behind
The mask this time
And try to believe

If I can
Remember
To know this will
Conquer me
If I can
Just walk alone
And try to escape
Into me"

(btw, you you can tell me the artists listed, i have a special surprise for you)

but of course, there is a great balance we must maintain. i will never say that we should only focus on the present, one of the greatest gifts given to human conscienceless is our ability to reminisce. but we must not solely and only look back on what we have done, or what we wish it used to be like etc.

we are told specifically to avoid such a thing. we are told to repent, an action that does not allow for continued action in that same way as before. especially in the instance of negative memories, looking back on past wrongs, past sins, etc. (2 Corinthians 7:10, 1 John 1:9)

If found an interesting article from a doctor talking about a physical illness that reminded him of this:

"Amputees often experience some sensation of a phantom limb. Somewhere, locked in their brains, a memory lingers of the nonexistent hand or leg. Invisible toes curl, imaginary hands grasp things, a "leg" feels so sturdy a patient may try to stand on it. For a few, the experience includes pain. Doctors watch helplessly, for the part of the body screaming for attention does not exist. One such patient was my medical school administrator, Mr. Barwick, who had a serious and painful circulation problem in his leg but refused to allow the recommended amputation. As the pain grew worse, Barwick grew bitter. "I hate it!" he would mutter about the leg. At last he relented and told the doctor, "I can't stand it anymore. I"m through with that leg. Take it off." Surgery was scheduled immediately. Before the operation, however, Barwick, asked the doctor. "What do you do with legs after they're removed?" "We may take a biopsy or explore them a bit, but afterwards we incinerate them," the doctor replied. Barwick proceeded with a bizarre request: "I would like you to preserve my leg in a pickling jar. I will install it on my mantle shelf. Then, as I sit in my armchair, I will taunt that leg, 'Hah! You can't hurt me anymore!" Ultimately, he got his wish. But the despised leg had the last laugh. Barwick suffered phantom limb pain of the worst degree. The wound healed, but he could feel the torturous pressure of the swelling as the muscles cramped, and he had no prospect of relief. He had hated the leg with such intensity that the pain had unaccountably lodged permanently in his brain.

To me, phantom limb pain provides wonderful insight into the phenomenon of false guilt. Christians can be obsessed by the memory of some sin committed years ago. It never leaves them, crippling their ministry, their devotional life, their relationships with others. They live in fear that someone will discover their past. They work overtime trying to prove to God they're repentant. They erect barriers against the enveloping, loving grace of God. Unless they experience the truth in
I John 3:19-20 that "God is greater than our conscience," they become as pitiful as poor Mr. Barwick, shaking his fist in fury at the pickled leg on the mantle."

-Dr. Paul Brand.


we just need to know that God has given us a gift of memory not so much that we derive our existence off of it (accomplishments, regretting decisions, desiring hurtful events never happened), but so that we may learn about His graciousness and how we are dependent on His power and His heart. that's why i love I John 3:19-20 because it describes God's power even over our painful, or even phantom memories.