a whale of a tale

so i found out that jason is unhappy with a picture of him in costume on the front page, so much so that he comments about when it will be updated. well here's for you jason (and don't worry, more video is to come, so wait in anticipation).

so i have not had the best month of my life, actually it has been one of the most difficult ones in my short life. many struggles understanding, frequent doubts, boredom, many frustrations, many failures, loneliness, and much depression. let's just say God and i are not on the same page on many varying issues.

i actually have come around more than i thought i would in a short amount of time, because i made a decision that i trust God when things are going right, but turn on the whining on as soon as things go bad. so here's my attempt to have what i have defined as "faith" (Heb 11:1).

but still in my frustration, i get very anxious and pissed off when things never seem to change, for better or worse. but today, i read and was reminded of a special man who ended up being a example to all us people who expect to be in control. his name is Jonah. it starts off as a man after God's own heart, so much that God speaks to him personally. of course as we know, he abandons his mission and calling because of his fears, and of course yada yada yada . . . . . fish. . . . yada yada yada . . . . vomit . . . . yada yada yada . . . . Nineveh. but here's where the story took a twist for me.

after we here God changes His mind and decides to spare the great city of Nineveh and its people, Jonah becomes me. he is unsatisfied with God's compassion and justice because he feels since God called him to this, it will be fulfilled as described to him. he even says it brings him to the point death, "take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live," (Jonah 4:3). and then there is this crazy thing with a vine and a worm, in which God makes it, grows it, and kills it. but yet Jonah cries out in dissatisfaction, "I am angry enough to die" (4:9). the key verse in this whole chapter is not the part where Jonah understands he the cause of God's wrath, or even when he accepts God's call and goes to Nineveh despite his fears, the key verse comes at the end of the book. God responds to Jonah's angered death wish: "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow" (4:10). this example God shows is that he has not right to be angry over something he had no control over, something he never toiled with, something he never sowed, something he put any energy into. what right have i to angrily mock God for things i can not or have not tended.

sad to say, Jonah's story does not end happily with great revelations of how God works, we are left with Jonah passed out underneath a tree with heat stroke desiring to be dead. we hope Jonah moved on from this and grew in his relationship with God, but we are never told so. well i hope to head God's words to affect my future, my actions, and most of all, my faith. as much as i want to call God's customer service department and get a hold of a manger, i know that it is better for me understand that it is not just about me, to get over my selfishness and focus on those who need love, who need compassion, who need a change of focus, who need a Saviour.

"well here we go again God, another feeble attempt from this guy name harwood, trying to do some good in Your name. strengthen me when i am weak, lighten me when i am burdened, redirect me when i walk astray, pick me up when i can't on my own wipe my tears when i have no more to cry, but most of all, let me not be the same as i once was. signed, a faceless servant"