a weird nervous twitch

so lately i find myself doing an unusual habit to consume my mind. it used to be the simple immature guy thing to just get lost in video games, or when the weather is above fricking freezing, doing some sports outside. but for some reason, i have added a new type of release.

food.

but not what you think . . . . i know some people find relief in "comfort foods" and just going to town on a gallon of ice cream per se. been there, done that, who hasn't? it isnt that. i've been cooking like a mad man.

i've made a total of three meals this week, of which any one could feed me for a week. why? boredom? new adventures in the culinary world? watching to much food network? all of which could viably be an answer. but i believe there is something else driving such a weird quirk.

a few special people know that there is a certain new thing that i am stressing about, that is freaking me out. not scared, but very very very anxious, excited, giddy, but at the same time very frightened, afraid, and vulnerable.

i like escaping, freeing my mind from the continual barrage i put myself through, over thinking everything and re-evaluating to the Nth degree. that's why soccer was nice to me, a little round ball can captivate me and give me an ideal escape. now i substitute my island of grass and nets to focusing on the harmony of ingredients, an intoxicating smell, and consumable finished product.

i wonder why we all long for an escape. we all do it in some form or another. some have super heros, some have fantasies through their novels, some use alcohol or other substances, some workout till their bodies are physically exhausted enough until all we can feel is the drained pain of our muscles.

what is yours? how do you cope with your stress?

is it something that is conscious decision or is it an involuntary reflex? is it healthy emotionally? is it healthy spiritually? As Jesus says it is not good for us to continue to carry on our own troubles, problems and concerns. But notice one thing He doesn't say, He never says "carry absolutely nothing."

we are not be careless, having no concerns. that section ends with the idea of us carrying His yoke, yoke symbolizing His work, His toil, His concerns. we are to replace them, not get rid of them completely. His are much easier to care for, to attribute and to carry out. love God, and love others. simple.

we are even supposed to look out for each other, as Paul has said. read that line, that we fulfill everything Jesus came down here for as we look and care for each other's struggles. awesome.

this is all to say, don't wallow alone. don't think that no one feels pain, or no one else ever struggles the way you do. we all find a daily struggle that can consume us, whether it be dealing with abandonment from family members, wondering about where your next job will be, or even anxiety about future possibilities. confide in each other, reach out to those who lay quiet because they most likely are the ones that hurt the most, and all they look for is someone to listen. i know because i've been there.

Psalm 46; Prov. 12:25; Philippians 4:6-7; 2 Timothy 1:7

things i already know

every once in a while, you get a different view of something you had already seen, already done, already known. maybe that's why i love sportcenter so much. i sit there , watch um-teen hours or sports and as soon as the game is over, flip it to sportscenter so i can see the replays of the game i just watched. welcome to a guy's life.

but i think it is that different perspective that we desire to see. we know our own experiences very well, matter of fact we are experts at our own life. i have 26 years of experiences seeing through matt johnson's eyes, but what do other people see. so we look for advisors, mentors, coaches, or even just good friends to help us out with these "visions." but like i said every once in a while, you get a chance to see the same thing you've seen before in a whole different light.

so as you probably can tell, it is 6:00 am and i am writing this listening to jazz, something not in my daily routine. another wonderful night of no sleep.

oh boy.

so i decided to take advantage of it, have a sit down with physical nourishment (honey nut cheerios) and life nourishment (la Bible). and in my readings, read over Matthew 14-15. i re-learned a lot of things, too many for this poor attempt at speaking God's truth. Jesus' compassion for others in His mourning moment, a revolutionary concept taught to the disciples, the dude freaking walking on water!!! and the analogy of that to our daily lifestyles, or even just hearing the story of Jesus calling a woman a dog. all of these things could be expounded on, but the one that stood out was an overarching one.

the disciples are freaking idiots. (in the nice sense. . . )

by this point they all knew who Jesus was, even saw miracles along the way prior to these events, so you think they have some concept of Jesus, His authority, or even His nature.

nope.

they end up feeding anywhere between 10,000 to 20,000 people with a combination of 12 loaves of bread and 5-6 fish (with leftovers to spare), He is healing people left and right (at one point we find out for 3 days straight) directly after a mass feeding in immense proportion, He walks to them while they are on the middle of a lake in the midst of a storm, and yet they still worry about other things around them.

after Jesus gets done ripping into the hypocritical teachers of the law, what is the first thing His disciples do? 'Jesus, you know you hurt their feelings.'

are you serious?

and then continue to ask what His parable He just taught means. not to mention a few verses later, after feeding a larger crowd with small proportions, ask how they are going to feed the crown Jesus asked them to feed.

this gives me hope. i know that seems weird because i devote myself to the teachings of these same disciples, but it does. even those that were next to The I Am, still were constantly bombarded by worry, people-pleasing, and even just general dullness as Jesus puts it. i do wonder at times how faithful i am because these things happen to me on a daily basis. do i honor God with my unstableness? with my unwillingness? with my doubt? even with my stupidity? the fact that the eyewitnesses to new life and new hope for the world can be misled at times, gives me confidence that i too can follow directly in His footsteps. peter, probably Jesus' biggest project while He was on earth, ended up becoming the leader of the church. if all you read were the gospels and had to pick a disciple who would lead the church, you would laugh if i told you it was peter.

so in this long-winded, rambling nothingness, take hope that even thought we may doubt ourselves, our missions/callings/direction, God still the greatest hope for us. He has not quit on us, and so we should not either. even the disciples were men. the only difference between you and i and them is sportcenter. continue the fight.

Phillipians 2:12-13; Ephesians 6:12

why does God hate mn???

i think the thing that put it over the edge to me was watching football, luckily inside, next to fire place (thank God i am lucky to have a warm place to be at these days), but when the commentators show temperatures from around the world:

north pole, alaska- 23
reykjavik, iceland- 29
moscow, russia-34
green bay- (-4)!!!!!!!!

now let's get the fact that i have chosen to live in mn, but who the heck would choose to live here!!! seriously, God must not like this area of land mass, because He put us in His deep freezer! now looking at the highs for the next few days go like 10, 1, and 12, and remember these are highs. and we are blessed to get to have a heat wave of 29 on saturday, oh boy!




but joking aside, i truly am thankful to even have a messed up heater in a breezy apartment where the highest temperature i can get is 64, because i have seen how blessed i am. i still remember that one day, i was @ my last position @ FBC probably doing some computer work when there was a buzz at the front door. for those that may not know, our church was perfectly placed downtown so we got a good number of visitors that would buzz the office to talk with one of the staff members. well this day, my buddy daryl was there. daryl is a long story in himself, but this particular day i went down to talk to him and noticed something particularly different. that day was cold, 10-15, snowing with a substantial amount of snow already on the ground and quite blustery. when i got downstairs, daryl was in a tattered button-down shirt, black denim jeans, and hiking boots with no socks. and he was walking around downtown, outside with only those things on. we were able to get him some things to get him warm like socks and blankets, but i was standing there in awe. i know certain individuals who go nuts if i don't have a jacket on top of my sweater, tshirt or whatever else i got on, and yet there he was with predominately only 1 layer of clothing on, and a very thin layer at that.

as we may whine about having to be out in the cold as our car warms up, or walking from our car to workplace, let's keep in mind those that have to live outside during the day b/c housing shelters don't allow people to be inside during the daytime. i ask to hand your tunic or cloak to those that may need it, or at least continue to support organizations that do do that. no one should have to suffer through this type of weather alone, so don't allow them to.

the big decisions

it seems to me that it is a crucial time in my life. looking to the future, there are many possibilities and many decisions to be made that could very well shape my life until kingdom come.

these are neat places to be in because of the many doors that could be open. i really look forward to sorting out the things ignite me, enthrall me, make me complete, those passions i cannot live without.

at the same time, it very easily can slip into anxiety just because (if you're anything like me) you can't narrow anything out because you you feel drawn to all of them to some degree.

i am reminded about a little saying in from an old doctor or the more famous quote of a an old IRS agent where it talks about being responsible with what is given to you.

without a doubt, that scares me.

it frightens me because i know what has been given to me, and i am quite conscious with what i've done with them so far. and as you've probably read, those that did not respect what was given to them were treated quite harshly, as well as deservingly. there are many days in which i desire i wasn't given so much so a) i can focus upon a singular focus and b) i wouldn't have to worry on how and what i'm doing all the time. now don't miss quote me, i am very grateful for all that is given to me and all that i am, there are just moments where i would rather not feel spread thin.

but living the life of gratitude is hard, but also very fulfilling. as i said before, i cannot wait to see where these decisions lead me in this next year or so, but i hope that you look forward to those decisions that shape your life, cause you don't usually get a second chance at them. see them, accept them, tackle them if needed, and run with them because you have been given a great opportunity ahead of you. it may seem really difficult, or even too big for you to deal with, but you are not alone in your time of need. God can always strengthen you in you weakness, pick you up when you have stampeded, and fill you when you feel completely empty.

that tree will fall if you want it to.