forcing desires

have you ever wanted something so bad that you manipulate things/people around you to get it?

even just saying that out loud makes it seem kinda selfish, but i don't it is all that bad. but what sucks the most is when even after all your effort, forethought, desire, you still don't get what you were looking for.

so today i tried this, on a small scale. i decided today was going to be warm how did i make this happen? easy, flip flops. in combination with open sunroofs, windows down all the way, it still does not increase the temperature as i thought it would.

annoying.

i do this pretty often actually. i seem to try to change things in order to get my way. but then there are times like this moment in time where i sit and wonder why nothing is ever good enough. why can't i be satisfied? i buy a new computer, then wonder why i didn't get a laptop. i have a car to call my own, then look over one lane and want that car more than mine.

i hope one day to understand the correct amount of acting on desire vs. contentment. the problem is i'm pretty sure i never will. here are my words to myself, be thankful for what you have and not be inefficient with it, but continue to push the envelope for more.

huh?

"what the %@*#, harwood? you make no sense."

clearly, but that is not the point. it would be unbiblical for us to just sit on what we have and not use what we have to get more (read here). but there are also many sayings that speak against greed and envy. i love paradox, but not when i have to deal with it and have to personally process it. so much work. and brain farts.

the best question to judge yourself with is what is your purpose for it? do you want a bigger, sweeter ride b/c you would look good in it, or b/c you can car pool with more people. or a more portable computer b/c it is lighter and everyone else has one, or b/c you can be more reliable and be more than one places at once. or in Jesus' example, do you want it for personal wealth, or to honor the request given to you by your master.

judge yourself so you can grow.