a clearing thought

its not that i like to, but i cant seem to stop myself.

i always seem to just try and complicate my life by over-thinking, over-evaluating, or even over-stimulating my mind. i'm sure im mentioned this before in some manner, b/c this is something i always seem to go through. but tonight, i had 30 min where i got to clear it all out.

can you ever look at something and it seem so clear, so easy, so understandable, so distracting from the mindless squabbles that go through your head?

mine as you can tell from my backdrop is the moon. and tonight was an amazing clear night, with a bright nearly full moon staring down at me. somehow when i look at it, all of the stress, pain, and anguish falls away and i just sit there in amazement, awe, wonderment and peace. we have a cool God in control over us, something that is so simple, one large rock, precisely rotating around our home, can show the perfectness, the continuing care, the comfort of someone looking out for us even though He may seem so far away, He's only a quick word away. thanks God, you're neat.

i just thought you should know that.

a long week

. . . .but not in a bad way.

today i just reminisced on what i consider an up and down week time, and only now realized it has only been a week. i was taken back. it seems like has been way more than that.

it is ironic to me that time can seem to move so slowly and yet i can still complain how it feels like yesterday i was in college. we as humans feel time in so many different settings. i remember how when i was younger it felt like i would never turn 16 and be able to drive and be on my own. and then it felt lik i would never leave for college and be "grown up." and now all i do i look back and wonder why i was in such a hurry to grow up. we are so temporal, so much like dust in the wind.

of quote that rings through my head is that of troy. in the movie, achilles is talking with a virgin priestess of apollo, when he utters something that makes me think more and more that i hear it. he says:

"I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."

i always had the desire to never die, to be immortal, eternal, to live as i do now for the rest of eternity, but that line drains me of that emotion. how boring everything would become, how monotonous, how meaningless everything would seem. the spice of life is that it will never be the same. we try for rhythm, symmetry, a routine that we desire to be predictable. but when we actually achieve this "routine," all we desire is 'back in the day' when we were "free."

i do not look forward to dying, but i do welcome it. the opportunity of life given to me should not be something i should overlook. every breathe is special, every heartbeat, something new. God's gift on a singular life makes it have so much more meaning than i even allow it to. so that's why i desire to give it back to Him. how much more can the Author of life understand its importance than the person who the gift was given to.

it is like giving a child a gift at christmas, you know the effort that was made to generate that toy (especially if you had to put it together the night before), you know the cost of that gift, and that is why you leave it to be the last gift to be opened, the climax for your generosity, all just to see the pure, untameable joy that comes on their face in that one instant. then the pain that comes on your face as the child plays with the box it came in longer than they play with the toy itself.

our Father has desired to give us the greatest gift, the most immacualte toy we could ever receive, but are we immature enough to just play with the box, or to take lessons from the Creator of our present as to how to fully enjoy what He has given to us. His instructions are not rules that you aren't allowed to do, the instructions give us the best, most enjoyable, most beneficial to us and those around us.

enjoy the gift, not the box. take time to enjoy our clock which continues to spin faster and faster, not that you need to set time out everyday just to enjoy it, change your perspective as you walk throughout your day to realize how beautiful everything is because of a temporary gift.

best wishes

the past few years i always felt as though everything was against, i had to walk up hill, both ways, pretty much everything i did turned rust. so of course to combat this, i grit my teeth and push through it, but i also dream.

i think of how i would want things to be, if all had all power, all money, all time. the dream is very pleasing to my interests and usually have sometime of cloud-like outline (being a dream and all)

go down and press play and what you will listen to is a song by chris daughtry called "home", and later in the song the bridge contains words that are beginning to ring much more true to me than ever before. in my dreams, i dont realize what happens to me if i get everything i want. "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it, and then some you don't want."

now i am running into the problems of not dreaming, but deciding what i want to dream about. what do i actually want? does what i want only benefit me? does what i want give back to others or even, dare i say, to God? can i handle my dreams and the applications of my dreams?

i've always tried to be a man of action, implementation, and application, but sometimes even my dreams forbid me from doing it. how can a dream be bad, when they actually handcuff you.

dont let your personal dreams and desires interfere with God's purpose for you, or interfere with how you act, breathe, and live. they should only enhance the former things, not take away from them. be careful what you wish for, because you may become a different person because of them.

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