frozen pens

ok, so i have determined how one can tell if wintery weather has officially come. if you are waiting outside and only in a matter of minutes, the ink in your pen freezes, you know winter has officially come.

so with installation of a new season, i feel it right to discuss change. more specifically changing habits. why is it so hard to change something that we do or something we experience habitually? why are humans 'creatures of habit'? you always here that term, but don't really experience the difficulty of that term until we have to face the absence of it.

take for instance a presidential address. no matter what the subject is, no matter how interested you are to hear what the president has to say, if it is on during one of your favorite shows, you are frustrated beyond belief. i am dorky enough that i relive that feeling every time i watch the Friends finale. i just experience this un-normal sadness that it has to end. even though the dang show hasn't been on for like 4 or 5 years now, i still get that same feeling watching it.

we don't want the good things to end. we want the things that makes us feel at home, to keep us comfortable. i believe God created us not only with the capability to become attached to those good things, but actually created us with the propensity for it. to the chagrin of some people, God does not desire for our lives to be full of unhappiness, rules and regulations. Jesus' life exemplifies this. how many parties was Jesus described at being at, how many times is He caught near the sea, or even just spending time with His friends (the disciples)? rarely do you hear Him being upset and even disgruntled (temple scene, stupid pharisees, bad Peter). if we are to follow Christ's example, we must not just follow what He does, but how He does it.

so next time when you change into a season that freezes your pens (not literally of course) (well, maybe for weather too), but notice how you react to it. what speaks more loudly, someone who grumbles/complains about difficulties, or someone who actually welcomes it.

ok that's enough, time for a funny picture:

first impressions

how many people do you think you have seen or met in your life?

a few i bet. i was amazed when i worked downtown how many people i would see on the way to and from lunch. and yet it seemed i never saw the same person twice. and that is quite a sliver of time if you think about it. one to two hours when normally the same people take a lunch break in one part of one city. there are freaking billions of people out there. what do you think the number of people you have seen in your lifetime?

i read in another person blogs his reasoning for how many people he has met, and it is quite analytical:

Say you took an average of one person a day (or is that too few? some days I meet twenty people and some days none, so I'd say one or two).

Say two people a day. Because of my lifestyle and profession.

By meet I mean introduced to. Had at least three sentences of dialogue with.

Multiply that by the days in your life when you're conscious of meeting people, so in my case that would be 34 years X 365 days + 8 Leap Year days = 4,529,650 days X 2 people.

That's 9,059,300 so far.

Maybe just one.

Even if it's just one - that's 4.5 million people.

That's the population of Ireland. (published on Chocolate Court)

crazy huh? and that is actually meeting people, you've prob seen more than 100x that amount in concerts, crowded streets, sporting events, driving by. how many of those people do you think had a good first impression of you, from a distance or in conversation?

i can easily say that i have walked around grumpy, or with a serious face when there was actually nothing wrong. man, what must i be like when i am actually in a bad mood?

i'm not saying we should be perfect everytime we walk out the door in anticipation of being a perfect example, but we should, i'm sorry, i should be more aware of it than i am now. if we have been changed by God's power, His grace, and His mercy, it should show somehow. people in the gospels, even against Jesus' wishes, told, yelled, ran down the streets with the good news of healing, of newness, or second life.

it would be nice to have a miraculous story of sight from blindness or ability from lameness, but we don't all have that luxury. but our story is just as powerful, for we serve and worship that same Savior. that same one who drew pictures in the sand in the midst of judgement, that same God who looked down on those mocking Him and begged for their forgiveness. look into the person walking by you, see the life through their eyes and have a Godly-compassion for them. THAT is the impression i desire to leave.

caught in between

i do not enjoy being in the midst of the mental-tension of a tug of war. and lately, that is all i seem to be in. from elections, to responsibilities, to overarching expectations, to choosing to do the right thing when everything in you screams not to do it, to fighting everything within you not to fail, to saying the thing that needs to be said but no one else says it, it all becomes overbearing to me. what i find out more and more as i continue in my walk of life, and hopefully this is not for the duration of my time on this temporal plane, but i truly dislike my life. all i seem to find are the things that i lack or the things that i desire that other people seem to have in abundance. and yet i continue to choose to honor God's cause with every fiber of my being. is it selfish of me to ask for enjoyment in life, to find things that actually give me enduring pleasure rather than just a temporary thrill. i might even be ok with it if i knew i was called to life that is set apart for such torture, yet from my very beginning i know God called me for than i experience, and yet it always seems to be lacking. i feel like my week is a continual 'joyous-depression,' i see the joy and get to be a part in how God works in the lives of those around me, yet i see inside of me what now feels hollow and unfulfilled. how can i be caught in the midst of these two varying forces which seem to be pulling me in opposite directions. i deem myself to be decently upbeat person, yet now all i consider is the pessamistic side of life, because it is doomed to happen. i do not desire your pity, sympathy, charity or even your discussion. even at this point, i don't even care for an explanation from the Almighty, what i want is change. i want to be holistic, i want to be complete, i do not wish to feel coninually longing, continually tested, continually frustrated. i believe in a God who mends the broken hearted, who forgives the life long addict, who molds the perfect vessel, and so i desire a change within me to occur. i could never understand Job's affliction, his pain, his abandonement and i never wish to. i even never wish my misfortion or choices on people, but all i want know is how a Father who is being screamed at by his children, could leave them alone. no wispers in the ear, no comfort in His hand, not even a light in the room. i would have failed if i were Job, my resolve and my faith are miniscual compared to his, and yet i seem to continually be able to draw parallels between myself and him. even as i continue to right, you can probably tell my frustration mounting. yes i live in a fallen world and yes i have fallen within it, but does that mean i cannot get helped up from time to time. my argument will have no answer, and my frustration will continue to be there as i put it aside and pretend that tomorrow is another day and nothing is wrong. so it continues, the cycle of my life; experience the pain, get kicked while your down, get up to turn the other cheek and have it happen all over again. the joys of being one of morals and decency and trying to live according to the life lived by my Jesus. what do i want from this extenuating post? good question, i can think of nothing i can resolve or nothing i can mention because i even now i try to shift the focus from me to see how you can benefit from my experience. when will i ever learn to take care of myself and not solely on others? hopefully soon.