caught in between

i do not enjoy being in the midst of the mental-tension of a tug of war. and lately, that is all i seem to be in. from elections, to responsibilities, to overarching expectations, to choosing to do the right thing when everything in you screams not to do it, to fighting everything within you not to fail, to saying the thing that needs to be said but no one else says it, it all becomes overbearing to me. what i find out more and more as i continue in my walk of life, and hopefully this is not for the duration of my time on this temporal plane, but i truly dislike my life. all i seem to find are the things that i lack or the things that i desire that other people seem to have in abundance. and yet i continue to choose to honor God's cause with every fiber of my being. is it selfish of me to ask for enjoyment in life, to find things that actually give me enduring pleasure rather than just a temporary thrill. i might even be ok with it if i knew i was called to life that is set apart for such torture, yet from my very beginning i know God called me for than i experience, and yet it always seems to be lacking. i feel like my week is a continual 'joyous-depression,' i see the joy and get to be a part in how God works in the lives of those around me, yet i see inside of me what now feels hollow and unfulfilled. how can i be caught in the midst of these two varying forces which seem to be pulling me in opposite directions. i deem myself to be decently upbeat person, yet now all i consider is the pessamistic side of life, because it is doomed to happen. i do not desire your pity, sympathy, charity or even your discussion. even at this point, i don't even care for an explanation from the Almighty, what i want is change. i want to be holistic, i want to be complete, i do not wish to feel coninually longing, continually tested, continually frustrated. i believe in a God who mends the broken hearted, who forgives the life long addict, who molds the perfect vessel, and so i desire a change within me to occur. i could never understand Job's affliction, his pain, his abandonement and i never wish to. i even never wish my misfortion or choices on people, but all i want know is how a Father who is being screamed at by his children, could leave them alone. no wispers in the ear, no comfort in His hand, not even a light in the room. i would have failed if i were Job, my resolve and my faith are miniscual compared to his, and yet i seem to continually be able to draw parallels between myself and him. even as i continue to right, you can probably tell my frustration mounting. yes i live in a fallen world and yes i have fallen within it, but does that mean i cannot get helped up from time to time. my argument will have no answer, and my frustration will continue to be there as i put it aside and pretend that tomorrow is another day and nothing is wrong. so it continues, the cycle of my life; experience the pain, get kicked while your down, get up to turn the other cheek and have it happen all over again. the joys of being one of morals and decency and trying to live according to the life lived by my Jesus. what do i want from this extenuating post? good question, i can think of nothing i can resolve or nothing i can mention because i even now i try to shift the focus from me to see how you can benefit from my experience. when will i ever learn to take care of myself and not solely on others? hopefully soon.