trapped

what for you is the worst part about feeling trapped? is it the loneliness? the anger of being caught? the fact/need of asking for help? the frustration of the inability to solve it yourself? i think for me, it is actually the thought that i see i am ensnared and know that it is inescapable. the fact that no matter what you do, you will remain in the same place where you are currently entrapped. the cage encircles, holds you down and is relentlessly resisting the freedom you desire.

the pains anyone who lives and breathes. it is not solely for those who have an addiction, who relive the same errors and/or decisions over again, or those who thrash in the water only to see themselves drown faster. we all have times where we feel cornered, threatened, and overtaken. for some, this feeling or actuality happens more often than others, but either way we all as humans have the desire to release from this oppression, aka, to be free.

the scariest scenarios are usually the ones where we are not in control. if you're a control freak like me, you mentally prepare/predict an outcome before it even happens. just like the boy scout motto (which i never was), i always must be prepared. why? who knows . . . . lack of trust in people, over-dependence on my abilities, timeliness in production, standards of perfection that are unattainable, and the list keeps growing as i get older. the fact is that continuing in such a manner only allows me to be trapped by my own doing. at some point, failure will happen, and since my dependence is solely on myself and my abilities, i look to myself to fix the situation, the very situation i got myself into (btw if you followed that last line without flinching, double-taking, or re-reading, you are the champion of over complicated sentences).

i started reading a new book today called "crazy love" by francis chan, some pastor in so cal somewhere. i pulled a lot of things away from it, but there are a few main thoughts i wanted to share, culminating with the last one. enjoy:

"There is an epidemic of spiritual amnesia going around, and none of us are immune. No matter how many fascinating details we learn about God's creation . . . we still forget.

. . .

It confuses us when loving God is hard. Shouldn't it be easy to love a God so wonderful? When we love God because we feel we SHOULD love Him, instead of genuinely loving out of out true selves, we have forgotten who God really is. Our amnesia is flaring up again.

It may sound "un-Christian" to say that on some mornings I don't feel like loving God, or I just forget to. But I do. In our world, where hundreds of things distract us from God, we have to intentionally and consistently remind ourselves of Him." - pg. 29
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"I used to believe that in this world there are two kinds of people: natural worriers and naturally joyful people. I couldn't help it that I was the worrying kind. I'm a problem solver, so I have to focus on things that need fixing. God can see that my intensity and anxiety are ministry related. I worry because I take His work seriously.

Right?

But then there's that perplexing command: 'REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS. I will say it again: Rejoice!' (Phil.4:4) You'll notice that it doesn't end with '. . .unless you're doing something extremely important.' No, it's a command for all of us, and it follows with the charge, 'Do not be anxious in anything' (v.6)

. . .

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.

Stress says that things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or out tight grip of control." -pgs. 41-42
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"Ultimately, I have just as little control over my own life and what will happen to me. Isn't the easiest thing at this point to start living in a guarded, safe, controlled way? To stop taking risks and to be ruled by our fears of what could happen?

Turning inward is one way to respond; the other is to acknowledge our lack of control and reach out for God's help.

If life were stable, I'd never need God's help. Since it's not, I reach out for Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because that makes me run to God." - pg 45

a new set of glasses

i had an amazing view tonight of something i thought i had seen before, but yet it seemed totally different than anything i have seen before. what was that thing you ask? you always ask the right questions. . .

that thing was me.

i seemed different to myself than normal, but the weird thing was that i could not tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. i also couldnt tell you what caused the difference or why i came into focus on myself. but it has totally been one of those weeks though. hearing songs that i have heard a billion-ca-jillion times, but yet rings a new tune in my ear when i hear it, staring at the moon when taking out the trash and seems that much more clear than it ever has but yet somehow the view is still obstructed. i am not just trying to speak in connundrums or oxymorons, but just trying to explain how the world, and therefore how i, seem to be like. i would be excited if this meant i have a new thriving drive within me to experience a vastness that God has set before me, yet my normalness still looms over me. does this mean i am stuck in the same place? no. does it mean i moving forward in a positive direction? hopefully, but not a given.

i've cried the term 'meaningless' before echoing the misery of Ecclesiastes, but what happens if you make your situation 'meaningless?' we had a question come up today at our staff meeting asking if you felt like you were the victim or creator of your circumstances. i had to think too hard on that question. i discected many different actions, believes, motives, experiences, passions, directions that i normally take for granted to generate an answer that was both honest for others, but more to myself. my answer ended up being a combination, but mainly recently dealing with creating my circumstances. but i also found some of the reasons i cause my circumstances have direct links to being victimized in the past.

how freaking messed up am i?!

so now i bring it back to tonight. i see myself in a different light. 28 yrs of seeing the mirror, but yet i seem to be different in a small, significant enough way that it makes me wonder what my next step should be. i hope to encourage myself to push to new heights, to actually reach for large goals, to be more than i actually think i am. the hard part now if following it. i think i up for it, let's try.

we can't believe exactly what the world tells us we are. we can use their assessment as advice or even a basis, but the true earthly judge of who you are is you. if you believe in yourself, 9 out of 10 times, it will ring true. confidence is something i always lack and i am tired of being the shy, sheepish, unworthy man, and need to accept the beauty and awesomeness and giftedness of life that God has actually given me. He has the same plan for you, but until you have the fight inside of you and come to grips with who God has made you, you will remain in the same state. here's the challenge in a simple word: grow.

Proverbs 16:9; Phillipians 3:7-9; Romans 12:1-2; Matthew 6:30-33; Proverbs 16:3-4;