a new set of glasses

i had an amazing view tonight of something i thought i had seen before, but yet it seemed totally different than anything i have seen before. what was that thing you ask? you always ask the right questions. . .

that thing was me.

i seemed different to myself than normal, but the weird thing was that i could not tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. i also couldnt tell you what caused the difference or why i came into focus on myself. but it has totally been one of those weeks though. hearing songs that i have heard a billion-ca-jillion times, but yet rings a new tune in my ear when i hear it, staring at the moon when taking out the trash and seems that much more clear than it ever has but yet somehow the view is still obstructed. i am not just trying to speak in connundrums or oxymorons, but just trying to explain how the world, and therefore how i, seem to be like. i would be excited if this meant i have a new thriving drive within me to experience a vastness that God has set before me, yet my normalness still looms over me. does this mean i am stuck in the same place? no. does it mean i moving forward in a positive direction? hopefully, but not a given.

i've cried the term 'meaningless' before echoing the misery of Ecclesiastes, but what happens if you make your situation 'meaningless?' we had a question come up today at our staff meeting asking if you felt like you were the victim or creator of your circumstances. i had to think too hard on that question. i discected many different actions, believes, motives, experiences, passions, directions that i normally take for granted to generate an answer that was both honest for others, but more to myself. my answer ended up being a combination, but mainly recently dealing with creating my circumstances. but i also found some of the reasons i cause my circumstances have direct links to being victimized in the past.

how freaking messed up am i?!

so now i bring it back to tonight. i see myself in a different light. 28 yrs of seeing the mirror, but yet i seem to be different in a small, significant enough way that it makes me wonder what my next step should be. i hope to encourage myself to push to new heights, to actually reach for large goals, to be more than i actually think i am. the hard part now if following it. i think i up for it, let's try.

we can't believe exactly what the world tells us we are. we can use their assessment as advice or even a basis, but the true earthly judge of who you are is you. if you believe in yourself, 9 out of 10 times, it will ring true. confidence is something i always lack and i am tired of being the shy, sheepish, unworthy man, and need to accept the beauty and awesomeness and giftedness of life that God has actually given me. He has the same plan for you, but until you have the fight inside of you and come to grips with who God has made you, you will remain in the same state. here's the challenge in a simple word: grow.

Proverbs 16:9; Phillipians 3:7-9; Romans 12:1-2; Matthew 6:30-33; Proverbs 16:3-4;